The Mist (2007)

So we're getting things kicked off with our review of the 2007 movie "The Mist", By Frank Darabont, Based on Stephen King's Book.

Now... I know what you're thinking... This is going to be #@$%... And well... quite frankly, you wouldn't be far off the mark...

If you've never read a S.K king book, you're be forgiven for thinking he was some kind of hack.. judging by the amount of god awful movies made from his stories, you can't help but wonder... just what the hell is wrong with this guy.... Fortunately I've read a book or two of his... well... I tried, before nearly lapsing into a coma... the only books that should be 500 pages long should be manuals or the phone book... Not that anyone uses those things anymore....

Anyways, back to the movie we're reviewing... "The Mist" isn't an entirely original concept per say, John Carpenter's "The Fog" seems like an obvious inspiration for Kings work (cough cough.. RIP-COUGH!), albet J.C's work is far superior.

So the movie starts, and we're treated to an artist painting away in a room that doesn't look like a room an artist would use, with dim lighting that is probably useless to anyone doing fine detail work. Despite having a fancy room with Mac's and posh crap, he has the paint on his hand.. Maybe it's an artist thing.. seems abit weird to me....

Typical horror movie cliches, Power goes out, storm, stuff breaks, blah blah blah... where's this fabled mist already....

So it's morning & our hero (if you could call him that...) goes outside and has a conversation with his wife which really isn't all that interesting.. something about a tree, grandfathers tree, window, blah blah.. and so on and so forth.... where's the scary stuff already...

Moving onto their son, and the damage done by a neighbors tree (Tree's are the tool of the devil!), they spot something weird, creepy and very odd.... The Mist!

Quite frankly, it's really nothing to be scared about, it's just some mist on the water.... Anyways...

Our hero decides to go talk to his neighbor, and it seems there's some tension between them for some reason. At this point in time, you have to realize this is going to be a paint by numbers story with all the typical plot stereotypes and if you're expecting any surprises here, well... all I'm going to say is that it's a Stephen King movie adaption....

So we see our hero's neighbor, an African american male with a temper problem.... pretty weird since he comes across as a well mannered and educated fellow... Very unusual.. Anyways, his lovely car has been crushed, and after what seems like fake sympathy from our blonde hero friend, the boys head into town.

As they're driving along with the hero's Son.. (ok i'm going to stop calling him hero and refer to him as David... David Drayton!), they see a bunch of army vehicles whiz by, and then they talk about UFO's and some nonsense about "Project Arrowhead" and some crap.

Afew more vehicles whiz by and they seem abit worried. They pull up to the local Crap Mart Incorporated & proceed to head inside. After some more lousy dialog, we see a guy with a bloody face running towards the market, saying "somethings in the mist".... and then  the mist comes down and covers everything.... then the store shakes violently... for some weird reason which is never really explained in the movie... then some weirdo woman blabs on about some crap, and an obvious lesbo starts crying about how she needs to leave because her kids are home alone and she can't leave them alone... wah wah wah....... And the oscar for best lesbo fake teary eyed moment goes to... drum roll..... After not finding anyone to take her home, she steps out into the mist..

After some more banter and inane stuff, David D, the man, the hero, steps into back and fumbles around, until the steel door back there gets rattled. He talks to afew people about it who don't believe him, and then for some stupid reason want to switch on a generator and have to go outside to do so... So naturally the person who decides to is the bag boy.... the GINGER bag boy... oh boy....

After a moment of trying to build tension.. some tentacles appear and begin having away at the GINGER bag boy, at one point where spikes come out and stab him and Ragu spills out over him.

The FX are pretty lousy, and the gore is tacky, so there's very little shock value... add to the fact that the victim in question is Ginger.... and a bag boy... he more or less had it coming....

After some stupid camera work, we see one of the store assistants fumbling around to find something... yep.. you guessed it.. Stephen King movie... Break out the fire axe! I mean really.. there's tentacles with spikes able to make even the most Ginger of people scream in agony.. Isn't there anything more lethal then a fire axe lying around... Maybe a Machete? Maybe a Flamethrower? (shop smart... shop S-Mart!).

After hacking away at said tentacles, they drag away the GINGER bag boy, and the tension between the chaps that apparently got him in that situation ends up with the hero David Drayton punching one of them.

The situation is pretty ridiculous really.. I think they'd all be in shock or perhaps busy running for their lives screaming hysterically...

Anyways, they go back inside the store and think of how to break the news to the people inside, that there are spiky tentacle monster thingies in the mist that are willing to touch a GINGER person...

30 odd minutes into the movie, still another 1:30 left to go... This is going to be a #@$%ing long review...

So David & the boys explain what happened to the townsfolk, and they and David's African American friend naturally think it's some stupid prank, because you know, everyone likes to play pranks in emergency situations... Fortunately, K-marts version of the Jack Nicholson hacked off some tentacle with the fire axe, so they have proof. Despite that A.A lawyer friend neighbor wants to go outside, and after some childish behavior from him and David, to explain their tensions (lame...really really lame...) he decided to leave with a bunch of people.. there were afew racist undertones, but quite frankly, it was pretty stupid & irrelevant...

The town nutjob who's a regular bible bashing nutcase rants abit, then they talk about protection, and this blonde chick has a gun and 12 bullets, and apparently some other dude has a shotgun in his car. So, A.A lawyer jerk guy leaves, and a biker who wants to play hero decides to step out to the car and recover the shogun. They tie a rope around him for some apparently good reason which makes no sense, other then to play out a ridiculously old horror movie cliche...

Yep, the biker is attacked, off screen, and we get to see them trying to hold onto the rope and see it tug a whole bunch of people around, and then they finally reel it in, and find it bloody, and then shock! horror! gasp! the bikers legs! He was cut in half by some monster, yet.... his pants... and boots, are not covered in blood. Now... Devil's advocate.. I'm no doctor, but I believe the human body contains a fair amount of blood, and a "wound".. such as having one's torso ripped into two.. would... well... bleed profusely.. atleast around the area of said "wound"... The monster must have used one of those Katana blades from Kill Bill.....

So after a fade out, it's night time, and we're treated to the most useless scene of the movie, where the cute and hot checkout girl is talkin to pretty boy G.I Joe... If you're hoping it's horror movie Boobie time... well.. sadly, it isn't. After more useless back story & poor dialogue, the two kiss and then decide that doing naughty things is completely inappropriate... Shame really, that chicks kinda hot...

So in an attempt to protect themselves from tentacle death, they pilled a bunch of bags of whatever infront of the plate glass of the store.. which in theory is lame, but fair enough.. As they keep watch, one guy is eating some chicken and then SHOCK! something that was flying around in the background slams into the window... it's a huge and weird looking CGI bug!

A whole bunch of the weird looking CGI bugs cover the glass, and everone gets super scared, because they'll break the glass... and the store obviously is out of bug spray....

Obviously the glass breaks and the bugs storm the place, and all sorts of havoc ensues as they try and fight them off. Sadly whilst bending over for some strange reason, hot checkout chick gets bitten, falls down on the floor and makes pained expressions as GI Joe being the typical douche tries to help her by doing nothing then talk, forget maybe finding medical supplies, alcohol, or anything that could help the bite that might have poisoned her.....

Then a bigger bat / dinosaur creature flies in and does more chaotic things, and causes people do to really stupid things, like set fire to themselves (that scene is one of the dumbest I've scene in a long time...). Fire Axe Dude who was put in charge of the gun because he apparently was a shooting champion when he was younger goes after said flying beasts, and shoots them, after some tension gripping moments where David Draytons son is nearly killed..... yawn... his fault for leaving him with another short haired lesbo...

Another one of the bugs lands on the crazy bible bitch, but doesn't bite her (can't say I blame it either, I wouldn't biter...), and she takes it as a sign or some crap...

Hot checkout girl dies from the bite... Shame really... She was kinda hot...

They all stand around and look stupid for awhile... Then we see the Biker's legs being dragged off...

After some more forgettable dialog, D.D, Hero Boy, goes back and they talk about the human torch (a.k.a idiot who sets himself on fire, Dances with Flames). He asks that they kill him, and they refuse, and decide to go to the pharmacy next door to help him with meds......

Ok... So the store they're in doesn't have a pharmacy....really?? and judging by the wounds of the guy, doesn't he need medical attention and a sterile place to avoid infection?  Anyways, despite the danger involved, they put together a makeshift group of people to get supplies from the pharmacy. They also discover lesbo dyke #2 who did a miserable job of keeping D.D sons's out of harms way took her own miserable hair-cutted life... Anyways as they head out, that religious nut job starts to rant on and on.. and we're treated with one of the more amusing scenes of the movie...

Yep, ole Granny throws some pea's in dat bitchez face....

Seriously....

Random acts of violence against crazy people with tinned goods by Old Aged Pensioners.... Genius!

Anyways, after the scuffle of OAP's tinned good attack, the group head outside and next door to the pharmacy.

After fumbling around finding the meds they need, they start hearing noises, look around and find webs, and people stuck to the ceiling in the webs...

Then they find a live one... This scene has an "aliens" vibe to it, although not half as cool sadly. The military chap apologizes for something & tells them that it's their fault... I'm guessing this has something to do with the plot (Oh! There's a plot? Well I'll be damned...).

He convulses abit, then spiders come out of him, then a giant razor-backed spider type thing appears, and naturally everyone is quite alarmed.... ahem...

Interestingly the nasty buggers shoot Acid webbing... a nod perhaps to Aliens? Either way doesn't make much sense if the other people are wrapped up normally, can they shoot non acid web? Dunno, don't care either... Weirdly enough they also have a face, as opposed to a bug or insect, they have eyes, nose, and what looks like a jaw with normal teeth... kinda like an Aztec Razor backed Acid web spider...Trippy...

Anyways, the Human Torch's Bro gets his leg badly hurt, and the OAP makes a handy flamethrower using some spray can to torch one of the monsters that would have Spielberg worried...

They make it back, turns out Human Torch died (duh...) and ironically so did his bro.. well, that wasn't a complete waste of time huh....

After some more religion crap & human drama, they find two of the three army guys have hung themselves (makes no sense, they were just grunts really..) and pretty boy GI Joe is left to explain that project Arrowhead (Arrowhead.... really?) was designed to look into other dimensions, ones that surround us...

Lame... Really lame... I liked the crashed UFO idea more then Dimensional monsters ... but it's S.K and he has a thing for other Dimensions...(The Langoliers...)

Anyways, they decide to sacrifice him, and the butcher stabs ole' GI.Joe and they throw him outside... And he meets his doom in the form of a creature which conjures up a feeling of familiarity... No I don't mean it looks kinda like a Mantis.... It kinda reminds me of some other dimensional creature... That likes to dress like a clown and eat kids.... hmmm.... nevermind....

D.D and his comrades are obviously worried at the bible bashers congregation and what it eventually will mean when they decide to turn their religious rants at him. So they hatch a cunning plan to escape.... By cunning I of course mean the most ridiculously retarded piece of crap ever......

Fire Axe guy basically puts some food and supplies in some bags near the door, and the next morning, they plan to flee in D.D's car. Time comes when they're all asleep and they go to leave... Surprise Surprise the religious nut who got owned by the can of peas is awake and has moved the bags & is ready to cause some chaos.

They demand a sacrifice, and of course it has to be D.D's little boy.... Butcher boy eyes D.D and the people get riled up and grabby... and Bible Basher gets all loud n excited... Then finally... finally... after what seems like an eternity... Fire Axe guy shoots her in the gut.... then walks up to her, as she's on her knees. and puts a cap in her head...

Why they didn't take her out of the picture when poor  old GI.Joe was getting stabbed I'll never understand... and why they didn't just shoot her before she started ranting makes no real sense either... But hey... it's a Stephen King movie.. Who cares about sense... and reality...

They head for the care all worried, but everything seems fine... then out of nowhere... or I should say out of the mist, the giant mantis thingie grabs the smiling Fire Axe Guy... The Spiders appear, and get someone, one of the guys runs back to the store, and basically D.D, his dumbass son, blondie who packs heat, OAP, and the old dude from the beginning get into the car and drive off!

They drive around looking for an end to the mist, but everywhere is ravaged, they get to his home, and his wife is dead (duh...), they run into what can only be described as a huge ass bug cloverfield type gargantuan behemoth creature, which was probably responsible for the store shaking in the beginning of the movie.

In all fairness with the music (lisa gerrards voice really is a hauntingly bleak thing) and the previous imagery this scene is really quite cool, but it's a case of too late too little unfortunately....

They drive & run out of gas... and what must be the most strangest thing I've seen.. D.D contemplates killing everyone, to save everyone the pain of being killed.... he has only 4 bullets and there are 5 of them, and he says he'll sort something out... then... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!... he's blown out the brains of his son, blondie who packs heat, OAP lady, and Bleeding nose guy from the beginning.... Really? It was that easy for you to blow out your sons brains???! He precedes to make some moaning pain psycho sounds which you'd expect a person to make after murdering his own son and 3 other people.. then steps out the care so he can be torn to shreds.

He hears a loud sound... which in the end turns out to be a tank.... Yep...A tank.. the military show up, with masks and flame throwers, and a truck drives by, with the lesbo from the beginning who no one wanted to help with her kids....

He falls to his knees and wails n whatnot.

The End.

Conclusion:
Ok.. Really... I liked the concept of a provocative ending.. but this was plain stupid. Wouldn't you atleast wait till you've run out of food & water before blowing your kids brains out? You weren't in any immediate danger... There was no immediate need to end it all... You could have waited, at least another hour or two... The logic behind this is seriously flawed.. Yeah everywhere they went was ravaged and covered with the mist, but still, logic would dictate that considering how easily the idiots in the store were able to keep alive, that armed forces not caught off guard would have been able to regain control of the situation.

In all honesty, This is what I've come to expect from Stephen King... The majority of all of the movies made from his books are complete and utter crap. They have good ideas or moments to them, but usually, at some point they just flop over in their own stupidity...

I watched this by mistake, thinking it was the remake of J.C's "The Fog" and decided to give it a chance since there was possibilities for this being a good B-Movie style flick... Sadly.. I was very very wrong.

Out of 5 stars, I'd give this a whopping Half star...

Things I learned from this movie:

• The military are really incompetent when it comes to naming secret projects
• African American Lawyers who are well mannered have anger management issues
• Lesbo dykes with short hair survive against all odds
• Ginger bag boys get what's coming to them
• Religious people are crazy & stupid, but shooting them in the head fixes that
• Being a hero means trying to save your son... so you can shoot him in the head later
• Stephen King really is a wanker...